can't fall asleep

Revelation 21:4 神要擦去他們一切的眼淚；不再有死亡，也不再有悲哀、哭號、疼痛，因為以前的事都過去了。

May I set my hope in Your promise.

Off balance

Something is being weird in me. I feel that I am swung off balance. I notice myself trying hard to run from one end of the beam to the other end, yet I find myself next moment at the original spot.

Up moments were aplenty these days. Many decisions we made and we better worked with and understood one another than ever before.
Not sure why but something in me has not been comforted. A flint looked for water to crunch its thirst, yet to no avail. It gradually lit up the dry grass nearby and turned itself into a blaze, with its crawls and fangs reaching for things to devour. The smoke of the flame came into my sight. I wonder if others have noticed the fire well before I did. Yet I was the only one there to do something about it. With all my might, I drew water from wells and carried as much as I could to put it off. It appeared to retreat sometimes but it never extinguished. Now I come face-to-face to it: This is a monster that is not what I can handle by myself. Its vulgar and relentless look resembles that of a devil. Its fists are ready for a duel at any moment. Its lips are taunting with inaudible words. I have been trying hard to tell myself not to marginalize part of self because I believed it would lead to nothing but bi-polar behaviors. It does seem now that there is something in myself that I have to fight against. I didn't realize but now I know the face of the enemy that has already been hiding in my heart. And I know why I trust in You. Even the inferno that no one cares or dares to come near, Your hand reaches into. I hear the evil laughter lurking in the darkness and I also know there is the Light that will take me back into safety. If one cannot hear such deafening cries, I doubt if he would look for the Light.
Off balance I am. Yet a helping hand has come to rescue and made itself my footing. I realize how fragile I am when I go out to the fields alone. I'd call your name only when I run into trouble. Yet like a sheep which has not been tamed, I seldom listen to your voice. There's a part of me who's always disobedient and only when realizing my transgressions would he subdue himself. You know what I have done against you and also the sufferings of the present. Nothing more I want to write down, not a prayer for help, not a praise, not how much I am confident in you, but just one thing--Your helping hand will reach into the darkness for me.
And when you come for me would you also please show me how I may witness to the world what you did in me?

Right here waiting no more

If the thoughts of missing a person... are so strong that my faith in You becomes undermined -- it might sound so romantic yet it is not true love. Only when I do everything in Your name I would be worth what You have given to me. Yet I would never be worth what You have given to me... because You died for me when I was still enjoying myself in my many transgressions... If my faith is undermined... what kind of love is left in me? I miss so much that it hurts in my heart... but ain't I a selfish person? There are times my mind wonders far away... I have wondered before how the knowledge of Christ protects me when I am asleep. Frankly, knowledge opens the door to Christ... yet one has to walk into the door and emerge himself in it. Having the knowledge and knowing it as the Truth are two completely different matters. He who has little faith... could very well turn out to be a lazy, selfish person. Yet Your providence is abundant, even to someone like him. Why else You place angels around him? He who is selfish shall pray more. I very much liked the sermon Ms Yip gave last weekend at my church... the teachings were direct like that from a father. The difference is the message she gave was one from the Bible. It's not merely human teaching. Direct yet unselfish. He who is selfish must now know that You have guided him with both a whip and open arms. He who just suffers from his own heartache must realize that there is greater strength in one because of faith. And when he promised to be good, there is only one way-- to heed to the words of You. We who believe in Your strength, turn our thoughts into power through which love can be manifested. No more waiting, ye all.